A letter to my forty-year-old self

When I was twenty, I wrote a letter to my thirty-year-old self. It went something along the lines of: Did you go to all the continents by your thirtieth birthday? Are you a physicians assistant? Do you have a ridgeback dog? And so on…

When I turned thirty, I wrote a letter to my twenty year old self. In a nutshell, my life turned out much, much differently than planned (other than having the ridgeback doggie, he’s still here!). My twenties were a roller coaster of up and downs–highs and lows–really high highs, but also really low lows—like deep, dark depressions, life let-downs, and well, learning that I had what is called pure-O OCD (basically disturbing, repetitive thoughts) that created a paralyzing anxiety since I was young teenager, and turned into a complete, all-out nightmare by my mid twenties. The more scary the anxiety became, the harder it was to address.

But, the highs of my twenties–meeting my husband, having my beautiful daughters, realizing graphic design was a career worth pursuing, and running a 50K through New Mexican mountain tops–these moments kept me trying, kept me moving forward–with the knowledge that happiness is a collection of moments, and these moments are what makes life the beautiful adventure it is.

And my kids? They made me realize that I owed it to them and myself to take care of my mental health–through facing that big ol’ bull right in the face and seeking the proper help and knowledge and not stopping (still not stopping!) to address that f***er.

The struggles and uncertainties have shaped me, and I am so grateful for my life–the ups, and the downs. It seems like the more we go through, the more we experience–the more, in turn, we have to teach and to give. So, just for fun, here’s a letter to forty-year-old me.

Dear Brenda,

Forty! Remember when forty was like, AHHG YOU’RE SO FUCKING OLD! While, ha! You’re there, so get over it! I bet you’re still sexy as hell. How are you? Okay, skip that–how are your kids? I can only image your young teenagers are smart, beautiful, and perhaps, a constant source of worry? Enjoy those teenagers! Remember how much work babies were? You are out of that stage! And you get to see them become little adults–wow, what an adventure. Does Daphne still draw the best in her class? Is Donna still an all-out comedian? Did Eli ever learn how to say agua in English? Did you ever learn patience? Ha! Are you having fun with Ian? Let me guess, he just got hotter–men, they do that–especially when they play guitar <if this was a handwritten letter, a drop of drool would be here>. I hope your love for him is stronger than ever. I hope your love for the kids is stronger than ever. And, I hope the love for you is stronger than ever–and if not, well, I hope life’s not over yet so keep trying!

As I write this, I just turned 33. We’re in the midst of a pandemic, and well, you’ve had quite a few meltdowns while trying to balance work and kids with the stay at home order. Pandemic or not, let’s be honest–sometimes you just freak out, or get super upset, or impatient–are you still like that? Do you still worry about things at work, get frustrated with people, and obsess over saying the right things? Were you ever be able to purely set your focus on what matters? Were you able to answer what “what matters” is? Oh, and, um, are you still trying to lose weight? Did you ever get better at being a mom and doing mom-things like remembering to pack snacks and make the kids brush their teeth? Please tell me Donna still has teeth.

Future me, answer this: does time fix those obvious self-flaws that I see unfold in front of me, but just can’t seem to control? Or, are these things just part of who you are, and you’ll be working on them–or accepting them–until you die?

We just went camping in our dinky tear drop in Carson National Forest, and celebrated fathers day with a poster letter to dad that had words spelled out in candy bars. You helped the girls make dad ‘breakfast-in-sleeping bag’, and Daphne laughed hysterically when Eli insisted on helping crack the eggs–which he confidently cracked right on the picnic table, then placed the two halves of the shell into the mixing bowl. We dumped the first set of batter–at the request of Daphne–because she informed me that both her and Eli sneezed into the batter. The first pancake wasn’t so good–we fed it to Eli–the second one folded as Daphne tried to flip it. The third try Daphne successfully flipped that giant, slightly burnt pancake, while Donna sleepily gathered flower to put on the plates. They paraded to the camper and proudly gave dad breakfast. The weekend was filled with moments so precious–Donna made you the “perfect” coffee out of Nescafe using the camp stove and kettle all by herself, Daphne sang with Phoebe enthusiastically around the fire, and you relit a candle for Eli about forty times just so he could blow it out. You got to read your book and listen to Ian play guitar.

You get to cuddle with those kids, help them with their problems, and though you are always, always tired–there is always a reason to smile. I mean just last night Daphne was looking for coloring pages on the internet. She was like, “oh mom, that one says a bad word!” I leaned over and saw an -adult- coloring page that said, ‘You Fucking Got This'.’ She continued, “At least it says it in a positive way!” and then quietly, slightly smiling she said to herself “you fucking got this.” I was like whoa, what? We both were laughing–and thank goodness, she didn’t want to repeat it. Its moments like these that leave me just laughing, and proud that my daughter has a sense for bad words better than my own–(earlier she asked me to not be so “explicit” when I said the word dang-it. It took her a few times to pronounce explicit..). but she also has a sense of humor, and is just a solid person, it makes me proud that she is someone that anyone would just want to hang out with to make those moments that threaded together make up life.

So as I think about the next decade of life, where will you be? Will you do all the things 40’s promises your younger self? Pay off your house? Have more time to date Ian? Go to soccer games or music concerts? Be able to travel more? Maybe get a promotion? Not have any more diapers to change?

Here’s some thoughts from a younger, stupider self (because everyone wants advice from that person!) I hope you look back on this time with love, and not just remember the hard parts of raising kids, and working, and dealing with every little trial. I hope the future brings you a sense of peace, that you can finally become like a laid-back turtle that just enjoys sitting in one place and get total satisfaction from just watching the sun move in and out of clouds. I hope you continue to just love, really love and embrace the people in your life. I hope you remember what your grandma told you when she was 89–relationships are the only thing that matter in life. I hope if life gives you lemons, you zest that shit and make yourself one hell of a cocktail. But whatever happens, whatever turns your road takes–you just remember, you fuckin’ got this.

Love,

Your younger self, Brenda

June 23, 2020